I could hardly breath. I was standing in line, with the rest of my family, and we just stared at her body on the gurney. She was struggling. She was hooked to so many tubes- The most ugly of them all, the breathing tube diving into her neck, assaulting her precious body. Although I hated that tube, I knew that it was necessary for her survival. I don't know what happened, I was too late to save her- I couldn't breathe. I felt a numb, nauseating feeling wash over me. What happened? I wanted to scream. I think I did- But why couldn't anyone hear me? I looked around, and everyone was going about business as usual-that is, going about their lives in the most normal way possible. Before I could really get into worrying about my own horrifying state, a movement caught my eye. For some reason, they were disconnecting the breathing tube. "STOP!!" I screamed, as I ran towards them, my hands outstretched. They continued. Part of them- part of them were family. My sisters.. my brothers.. why didn't they see that Megan still breathed? She breathed imperfectly, but she was still alive! Were they not going to help me help her??
There was no way I could reach her. I watched them look upon her, and give her one last reassuring stroke on her forehead, now dewed with persperation. She was still alive!!! Couldn't anyone see that?? Put the tube back in! Put in that hideous, wonderful tube! Can't you see what's happening?
But still, nobody noticed. I was a spirit as well. Nobody could hear me, see me... notice my futile efforts to save my little sister.
And then, I watched helplessly as Megan struggled for her one last breath, and she stopped moving.
Even in death, she knew I was there, comforting her with my arms around her lifeless body. I hugged her and cried into her shoulder, still warm from life only moments ago.
Then I woke up.
I still had a hard time breathing- I was seriously thrown into a panic attack! First of all- Why was I only there in spirit? And second of all- What kinds of idiots do I have for family members?
No, that's unfair. It was how my dream had portrayed them- they just didn't know what they were doing, and assumed the best way was-
I can't even think of it anymore, it honestly makes me sick.
And these are the kinds of dreams I have during Sunday Naps.
...maybe I shouldn't nap anymore.
SO I know I haven't posted in awhile, Buuuut I feel that this one needed addressing. So I decided I had a little bit of time- and viola!
This month is going to be one interesting month. Last month I had a lot of surprises- a few of which were, my old college roommate, Pidge, gave birth to her daughter Lily Grace a few days into January. Good job, Jeremy;) She's one CUUUTE baby!
January brought a lot of good, new things- new, fun friends. New professors... my job isn't new, but there are a whole new batch of students to teach.
New Institute Council Members, new Best Friends, and new memories etched forever in time.
January also brought in a few blasts from the pasts, and contact was reestablished with an old, dear friend. Not just a few times did I love and lose this semester- And there have been a few interesting moments brought to my attention. It's been great. I know these descriptions are vague but I wouldn't be able to do them justice if I explained any more than necessary. Especially here on this blog.
I'm sure a few priveledged readers will one day read what I have written about these precious moments in my journal- a more in depth review and accounting of my adventures here at Souther Utah University.
I have also started down a path that is going to change my life forever. I know it's a good path- and I'm proud to be the first girl in the history of my family to walk humbly down this road, the first girl with an opportunity such as this, and taking it. I walk down this path alone, but never lonely.
I'm so grateful for opportunities, and the opportunity to be guided by the Spirit.
It's so hard to make decisions between two choices that I know are right. But when I choose and I get the overwhelming feeling of peace and joy, I know I can move forward in complete faith, and I'm strengthened.
When I was having a moment when I really needed a good friend to help me out of a possible depression (Which is never of the Lord), A good friend told me through a simple text a quote from President Faust.
"Doubts are the means to deepening our understanding of what we already know."
And I didn't understand it at first.. but after pondering on it, I know this:
That without an opposition in all things, I will not be able to understand which choice is right. It is utterly impossible. If I only know one position, that one position will always be right to me.
With illumination comes a doubt. That doubt will not last, because once I've tested my knowledge through faith, I will know that what I've been taught is true and good and the right.
There are hard choices to make, and I may doubt them even right after I've made them. But the peaceful feeling that underlies all the doubt and momentary sadness will not be ignored. Doubt will always be overcome, and then my understanding of why is deepened.
I'm so grateful for agency, and opposition. For without it, how can I feel joy when I've made the right choice? How will I ever progress to that state I desire for myself, and for my brothers and sisters?
I couldn't, and I wouldn't.
But I'm so grateful that I CAN!
Keep Moving Forward.
And this is my testimony, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
PS. Fatty- I remembered that awesome little man you made in likeness of you on Ben and Jessica's WII. Do you remember? He had a tight mouth, big forehead.. and a mole in the middle of that forehead.
hahaha
I remembered him during a sweet prayer after a great Sunday school lesson, and I almost had to leave the room fearing I'd burst out laughing!
But I controlled myself:)
You awesome, childish human...
And the moral of this story is:
Please don't take the tube from Megan.
Love,
Sarah Mich'elle
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