.

self·ish /ˈsɛlfɪʃ/ –adjective 1. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
2. characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.

Synonyms 1. self-interested, self-seeking, egoistic; illiberal, parsimonious, stingy.





It's interesting that only now am I able to see that the line I had drawn between being assertive and being selfish is terribly uneven.
I never understood that on this strait and narrow path in life it's so much more about the people enduring the journey together than one enduring it alone. I realize now why I have such a hard time in relationships. Not just boyfriends, but siblings, friends, relatives...
So many people have put their interests above mine, and I selfishly took advantage of that genuine love.
I wish I had learned this lesson many years ago, if someone had just told me what I was doing wrong and what exactly to think and how to fix it.
But I guess this is the lesson that's only learned through life's beautiful experiences.
Wow. I feel like my whole life has shifted, and I look back on all the people I've wronged and it feels... horrible. I feel like Alma the younger when he gets the smack in the head everyone's been praying for. Why was I so stubborn? Why did I have to hurt so many people, and stain so many memories?

I am not trying to bash myself into the ground, but I am doing some retrospective thinking. And this involves looking at the ugly side of my life. I think I've been trying to hide it from myself too long, and I'm grateful at least that I learned it now... instead of later.

In these next few weeks I hope to redraw the line much more evenly, and I know that with effort I will see the change in my life I've been needing so desperately these 21 years.

Love,
Sarah Michelle